First, I want to apologize to all five of my faithful readers for my absence. Three weeks ago, one of my best friends committed suicide. This may be something I blog about at some point in the future, but I'm not ready to do that yet.
Instead, I wanted to talk about something else that has been on my mind.
Today, I was engaged in a conversation (okay, it was actually a Facebook discussion) about how many of us learned basic skills: cooking, sewing a button, changing a tire, etc. It sent me on a bit of an Internet goose chase looking for how-to videos. One such search sent me to the YouTube channel for The Art of Manliness.
I was already familiar with the website for The Art of Manliness and I've visited it a bunch. They have a wide range of articles there, everything from "100 Must Read Books for Men" to "7 Knots Every Man Should Know" to "How to Drink Whiskey." I will admit, it's pretty cool. I mean, I wanna know "How to Treat a Jellyfish Sting" and "How to Fight Multiple Assailants." They even have a podcast.
And I think I'm pretty "traditionally" male in lots of ways. I mean, I've got a beard and I use Brylcream and Old Spice. Bourbon is my favorite drink. I've got a bunch of old American style tattoos. I'm not especially athletic, but I'm not a total wimp either. The biggest gap in my "manliness" is probably that I'm not especially handy. My toilet goes out and I'm calling my friend Tom, a plumber. (Tom is the walking definition of a traditional manliness, btw.)
I see worth in those values associated with manliness: grit, strength of character, bravery, etc. And I see men in old photographs with handlebar mustaches lifting barbells and I think, "That's pretty cool."
Yet there is something wrong with asserting that certain character qualities are exclusively masculine. I mean, don't I want my seven-year-old daughter to be brave, strong, and determined? For that matter, I see value in those qualities traditionally associated with "femininity" -- compassion, tenderness, intuition -- and I want my sons to have those as well.
When I was growing up, my ideas about gender and sexuality were probably more influenced by rock stars than anyone else. I was daily surrounded by men in camouflage making fun of "faggots" and going huntin' and fishin'. I didn't especially identify with that. I wanted to be Ziggy Stardust. I wanted to be Prince. Rock stars inspired different ideas about sexuality and showed that straight men (or at least primarily straight) could be androgynous or ambiguous in the ways they expressed their sexuality.
I paid attention to grooming and to fashion when I was a teenager. I never bagged a ten-point buck. I played music. I skipped sports. For all of this, I was often ridiculed or bullied. In retrospect, I'm glad for the bullying, though I wouldn't wish it on any other child. I learned to stand up to bullies and to not be afraid to say what was on my mind.
Our culture is increasingly accepting of fluid ideas regarding sexuality. A larger number of people are rejecting the binary concept of gender and view sexuality on a continuum. In my mind, this has to be a positive. Gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered and other individuals are regarded with increasing acceptance. How can that not be a good thing?
I like to feel I strike a balance with myself. I jokingly tell people I'm 80-85% straight, but honestly, I'm comfortable with whoever I am. I went with my cousin and his wife last Saturday to a gay bar here in town and felt no discomfort when men there hit on me -- or when a drag queen called me onstage to ask if I wanted to feel her breasts.
But I also feel drawn to those images and tokens associated with traditional masculinity. I like wearing a suit and tying a Windsor knot. I enjoy being "chivalrous" -- opening doors for women and all that. I admire Teddy Roosevelt, even if I'm not ready to live his "rough life."
So I wonder as a father how to teach my values to my children. How do I help my sons "become men" without turning them into misogynist douchebags? How do I help my daughter become a woman, without her believing that this is somehow "less" than being a man? How can I share with them the joys of certain aspects of "traditional" gender without turning it into a trap? Or is that asking the impossible?
Maybe I'm overthinking this and I'm sure that certain of my childless friends will have the correct answer for me.
What do you parents think?
How do you teach your son to "be a man"? How do you teach your daughter to "be a woman"? Or is this something you even worry about?
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